Report Writing Season

Dearest Joan,

I have obviously been absent and will continue to be for a little while.

It is Report Writing Season. It consumes me and my family.

I dislike it muchly.

I do have my next blog cooking away. Time is just needed to execute it.

Love

Eve

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No Woman is an Island

Thursday 12th November 2015

Dear Joan,

So lately, the best part of me has been tucked away. I have realised in that coping with the big move to KL, all I have thought about is me and my family. I have seriously failed to consider others. Thinking of others is a strength of mine (I think) and to not be doing that has seriously thrown me off kilter. Riding this huge emotional roller coaster, only looking forwards, forgetting that more than one roller coaster operates at any one time, geez has really left me in a state of unhappiness. I was at the point of stomping my foot like a toddler. Seriously unattractive. I don’t think my friends see it so severely, or perhaps they do and are too kind to say otherwise, but I do.

My friends have so much going on in their lives. Being there for other people gives me a lot of peace and I have been anything but peaceful lately. I wish I had taken this step back earlier.

The worst bit about getting older is that the probability of being around sad things increases. I am incredibly fortunate that for me, in my circle of friends, it didn’t really kick off till I was 36/37 years old. Joan, in protecting their privacy I won’t be too specific but death, cancer, babies, mental health – just seems common place. All so terrible….and there I was, wanting attention for my move. Man alive, what was I thinking? How could I not see beyond my nose?

I won’t beat myself up about it. Realising it is the important part. Realising that my move to another country is important to me, like people’s things are important to them is a great thing. Being honest with people, also helps.

I started that today, as I couldn’t carry the heaviness of it all. I feel like a weight has gone and now in its place is just exhaustion. Though that might also have to do with kids not sleeping.

My hopes are that I continue to care for those I love and not shut myself off to protect myself from emotional goodbyes; that I keep listening to others; that I tell people more frequently how I am feeling; that I let others tell me how they are feeling; that I accept and embrace others feeling sad about our departure and not be cross with them.

I am not an island Joan, more like a coconut. I am much happier when I’m with other coconuts.

Love

Eve

P.S. I really do hope you are travelling well.

God, Eeyore and Vulnerability

Sunday 8th of November 2015

Dear Joan,

The ‘Long Goodbye’ has begun.

Fortunately, it has started with people who don’t rate on my emotional radar too highly. However, every time I see someone, who I don’t see often, I find myself wondering, ‘Is this the last time I will see you before your goodbye?’ That thought always leaves me feeling heavy hearted.

The inevitably of the farewells is the thing I find hardest. I know some of the people see our move as rejection and others just can’t fathom why we would do it. There a few who are excited and cannot wait for us to do it. It is just that those closest, find it the hardest.

Yesterday I caught up with a fella from a previous chapter who use to date a dear friend of mine for many years. He has this tendency to sweep everyone away when he finishes a relationship. It’s how he rolls and we grew to accept his decision. Never stopped me wondering about him though. Low and behold I got a message from him on facey. An invite to his birthday soon followed. I always cherished him and thought it would be great to see him and also, nosey and see how he is travelling.

Arriving an hour late I thought it would be in full swing. Well blow me down, I and the girls were the first ones to arrive. I was embarrassed. His 40th birthday celebration was rather empty of people. After I rocked up a few others did. Here was this big hall for maybe twenty people. It turns out, I was there for numbers.

Now why am I telling you this? That is a big part of why I don’t want a farewell do. What if I have a screwed up take of people’s relationship with me? What if people don’t come because they were too busy? I think I would prefer to leave with a misunderstanding of relationships rather than the realisation that perhaps people meant more to me then I to them. It is so insecure and I actually feel really vulnerable for admitting it out loud. It is the truth.

On a side note if you have twenty minutes watch this Ted Ed talk about vulnerability. It is amazing.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Continuing on, I really don’t think I could handle it.

So in four hours I said hello and goodbye to one person.

Today I was surrounded by God and Eeyore.

A beautiful friend (the other person also nominated for my eulogy), has a key role in her parish. She set up a Field Committee of people who would support her in her various roles. We were her soundboard, helped troubleshoot issues, praised her when she was doing well and just listened. It is such a varied group of women. Turns out though, that there is an Eeyore in the group. I know my mum can be negative, glass half empty but I don’t think she emanates sadness, bitterness and anger at every given moment. Even my gorgeous friend who sees good in everyone, sees sense and understanding also feels the anger. She sucks my energy every time Joan, EVERY TIME. I get my mum being angry about me moving to Malaysia, I’m taking her grand kids away BUT this woman, she is angry with me. So angry with me. Like I am her daughter, taking her grandkids away. I obviously remind her of something or bring back memories of an experience.

We went out for lunch today, a last hurrah to me and the Field Committee. The life sucking force was there and I am kind of sad that I said goodbye to one of the ladies who I felt I could learn lots from, yet I get to see Eeyore two more times. Funny how life does that to you. I obviously have two more times to either give her peace or me some peace. I am not sure which. I just hope she can find some peace and light. She needs peace. Her heart is too heavy.

Well, I am going to head off and ignore the fact that I have reports to write.

Love you,

Eve

Nits Can Suck Eggs

Saturday 7th of November

Dear Joan,

The crappest part of motherhood……nits. Not the sleeplessness or worry BUT nits. Especially when you are mother to two girls with long hair. I curse the person that we got them from. Why on earth isn’t there a vaccination created for nits? I’ll tell you why Joan, all the nit shampoo companies! They must make a fortune.

I hope and pray that you may never face this.

Put simple Joan, nobody looks pretty in a green cap.

Love Eve

The Cup Runneth Over

Friday 6th November 2015

Dear Joan,

The first and foremost thing I want to address is the lack of me asking about you. I don’t want to give information about you away. Just because I’m writing to you, doesn’t give me the right to share your details with the world. Secondly, I don’t want you to feel obliged to respond, ever. Life gets busy and we as humans, already have so much on our plate. The only response I truly want is for you to take a few minutes out to read it and pop into my head.

Moving on…..I am brimming with so many emotions and being at work just feeds the overflowing cup. To sound big headed, I am thought of highly at school – a potential power player. I am regarded by management to be hard working, enthusiastic, a team player. My colleagues respect me as a peer. I get on board, give things a go and am equally happy to self-reflect on failures and successes. I have been gently guided to the path of leadership. Receiving an email today about a leadership course that I was going to be on next year just made me feel disappointed. Disappointed that I am not going to be able to do it. This isn’t the first time I have walked away from management opportunities. BUT this is the first time where I am second guessing the decision.

Some friends felt I was sacrificing a lot with the move to Malaysia and that I was doing it for my hubby. His work place isn’t forward thinking, innovative, exciting or challenging. He has been essentially unhappy at his place for a while. They questioned why I would change countries when he could just change jobs. Back then I told them they were crazy. Hmmm maybe they saw it clearer than I did. Don’t get me wrong, my seven year itch started in year three and I could not fathom the thought that this here is my forever with nothing else. I just love my school. Love my work ethic here. Love the clientele and the innovation of the school. I just don’t like walking into a school and being just another teacher. How terrible does that sound?! Imagine saying just another doctor, just another nurse, just another policeman. It is terrible but that is how I feel. I don’t just want to sit in the background. I am also worried I won’t be the best teacher working with kids of privilege. What if the husband flourishes? And I don’t? That he finds his place and I lose mine? What if the big kid finally finds her groove in a school? And I just become a sore thumb?

Trusting in the path I am on. Trusting in the choices I have made so far. That is all I can do. AND if it turns out to be the wrong choice, then we will know rather than have regrets. Regrets are far worse.

Love you Joan,

Eve

Dreamy Eyes Hemsworth!

Thursday 5th November 2015

Dear Joan,

I have always dreamed of reviewing movies and find myself doing that at times, again in my head. Makes you wonder how everything fits in there!? For a movie to engage me these days it has to be amazing as I find it hard at home to commit to just sitting and watching. Social media, internet, stupid apps have been the undoing of my attention span. I have to make a conscious effort to not use it. Hmmm, perhaps I should make that a real goal? If I write it down, then I am accountable for it.

Anyway, I find it hard to find the time to go to the movies. We don’t have babysitters at hand and when we do, there isn’t always a movie out that we are interested in. I actually find myself compromising when going to the movies anyway. Sure I’ll watch Fast and the Furious 7 or Magic Mike 2. Sometimes I just want the time out from being a mum, so will take what I can get. Sometimes that even means leaving for work half an hour earlier, telling a fib about a meeting I have and then going to my fave café (The MIlbri) and having a cup of tea. Yep tea, not coffee. That is another email.

This weekend gave me the opportunity to go to the flicks with my sister in law to watch “The Dressmaker.” All my doing. Why did I choose it? Ha! To perve on Liam Hemsworth because I think he is dreamy! Hahahah It’s true. That was my motivation. Luckily, it turned out to be more. Would I recommend it to others, possibly. The acting by Kate Winslet, Liam Hemsworth, Hugo Weaving and Judy Davis have moments of just glorious belief about them. I truly believed that Teddy (Hemsworth) wanted to save Myrtle (Winslet). I believed the love in his eyes. Myrtle (Winslet) nailed the Aussie accent. Madness emanated from Molly’s (Davis) pores and Weaving just went back to the days of Priscilla.

There were just a few things that I couldn’t reconcile. Suspending my disbelief between Hemsworth and Winslet was just a stretch too far. Apparently they were of a similar age but in real life it is fifteen years. Removing that real life fact was too big of an ask of me. I believed their individual love of another character but not for each other. Winslet was poorly cast for this choice. There were also throw away lines in the script, but throw away lines that needed more of a story. It was like the forgot to edit the line out. The other glaring issue was the inconsistency to the style of story telling. Was it supposed to be absurd comedy? Drama? A rom com? The bit parts were too far fetched to call it simply a drama, the storyline at times too twisted to call it a Rom Com and the heart of it to sad to have it as an absurd comedy.

I get it is a story. I get that not all stories follow an expected line but it felt as if though they deviated from the line because they could. It all just wrapped up in a way that felt rushed and not overly purposeful. Sure, every decision fit the character of Myrtle it just doesn’t necessarily mean they were the right ones.

Why was it great? Why has it left me thinking about it (besides the dreamy eyes and body of Hemsworth)? Well it is because in isolation I could believe Davis, Hemsworth and at times Winslet. The Australiana of it was also endearing – at times a little far fetched – yet still endearing. I could relate to the idea of finding yourself, as a mother the idea of protecting your child. The idea of your surroundings making you mad.

I’m glad I saw it, I just wish I could have proof read the script or the nearly final cut and ask questions.

I always feel like I have my next note ready for you and I cannot wait to write it.

Love you Joan

Eve

Life and faces

Wednesday 4th November 2015

Dear Joan,

Never mind starting with the formal salutations, lets just get straight into it. You gave me this idea to blog about the impending adventure to Malaysia but I figured it has started now. Preparing the girls, the house, my work, the husband, myself, is all a part of it. All the bits pertaining to my life here, right now, also a part of it.

You have written me endless letters and now, I am hoping to return it albeit in a potentially very public forum.

Actually, I have been blogging in my head to you for a few days now. I want to write about a movie I saw, how I am feeling about the move BUT today’s events just seem more pressing.

Today I went to the funeral of my neighbour. It has left me with so many feelings. Firstly though is the funeral face. Yep, the funeral face. That look people give each other that almost seems condescending. The face that people use that just seems so insincere. A funeral is the one place, along with that of births that we should just be allowed to embrace every damn feeling we want. No stoic behaviour, just plain raw emotion. Be angry, be sad, be devastated, be nothing BUT whatever you do, whatever you feel just embrace it. Be sincere.

Equally, I just want honesty at a funeral. Say it as it is and if you can’t then don’t do the eulogy.

From all of this, the husband and I have been talking about what we would want at ours. Cremated. Ashes spread in New York, London, Paris and The Alps in Switzerland. If the bloke doesn’t or can’t do the eulogy, you and another friend has been picked. Just thought I better give you the heads up.

My neighbour’s death has just made me angry. As a society we don’t take enough care of our elders. I feel not enough care was taken of him. What does this say about me though? I am leaving my aging parents. Am I just trusting in one of siblings or aunt and uncle to come to their rescue if needed? What decision would I make if something happened? I don’t know the answers Joan.

I just needed to ‘talk’ about this today. I think next time might be a little more light-hearted.

Love Eve