I currently have another entry being typed but I have pushed that aside so that I can…vent, cry …or whatever it looks/sounds/feels like in this ever so pretend world of the internet. This is probably the most honest space I have, between you, me (ella) and whatever other person chooses to skim over this letter.
You said you wanted to know what was going on in my life. Well in summary:
- my school advertised a leadership job externally a week before telling us internally.
- in 36 hours I got together a full application.
- 5 days later I interviewed, as did the husband and 2 other internal candidates.
- a week and a half later I found out I was the loser and my husband wasn’t.
Let’s backtrack a little, to the 5 days in between submitting the application and having the interview. The hubby and I discussed a great deal of what if’s. I guess we both thought, it would be me or neither of us. Why? Because I do every damn thing at that school that relates to developing the whole school strategic plan – even shit I hate. I have worked hard. Not to say that he hasn’t, that would be unfair. But I put myself out there – repeatedly. Even he said that the fair and right thing would be for the job to be mine. What’s that? An echo from the past Eve? Something you said ringing in your ear?
I said to him – fair has nothing to do with it
And it does have nothing to do with it. I guess, the better person got the job. I know Joan, the husband will be friggen damn good at it.
these are the things though, that I find hard:
- When I did the in-house leadership course last year, my mentor told me, sometimes it comes down to having a penis or not. Sometimes they just want gender balance. AHHHHHH!
- The husband was happy in the lower primary school. He wanted to be there. I never did and still don’t want to be but now I am stuck. He had direction.
- I now have no direction. I am totally adrift – more Leonardo Dicaprio rather than Kate Winslet in Titanic.
- I honestly feel like a big, fat LOSER. Yep. how tragic is that!?
- That the husband and I always agreed that it isn’t possible for two people to do leadership in teaching – it is far too hard on the family – and now it is me having to take the step back.
- That he will inevitably keep secrets from me – yes work secrets – but secrets nonetheless and I know he will – he did it twice this year already. Makes me feel second best – that work will come first and me second.
- That I feel so selfish, and such a cow but I kind of wish he would just say sorry. hahahaha.
Some fucking EXIT strategy hey Joan. Two more years here and for what? I don’t feel like I am getting anything from it. I need the universe to deliver me something fucking awesome to counter balance this one. I’m not sure its pockets go deep enough (this will make more sense once I finish the other blog).
On the flip side, one of the what if’s was around if one of us got it and what travel would we do. We discussed Italy next year in April and the USA at the end of the year. Happy 40th to me! Here we come Rome and Naples. 10,000RM will get us all to Rome and back ($3,500ish aussie). I have never been so keen to rack up credit card debt!
I also thought I wanted to do a Masters. Nope. At least being the loser made that clear for me. Think of all the debt I saved there!
Travel isn’t sufficient enough to ease the two years but I have to cling to something. Maybe it will help this Leonardo Dicaprio climb on the raft instead of letting go!
Love you Joan,
P.S. I think of your adventure and hope it is providing you with much joy.