Still not making lemonade

Hey Joan,

No, I cannot say that I’m ‘over it,’ or that I am any less sad but I am less something. I can’t find the word for it but I am lessĀ it.

There is a stage that I am sure is titled, “THE FUCK YOU ALL” stage. I am in a mild stage of that. I kind of find it refreshing. I am not being rude or giving the bird, but am not caring so much about what leadership thinks. Maybe that is my lesson out of all of this, to learn that giving a shit about what others think of me professionally, shouldn’t factor in my self-belief.

I delivered a PD to staff without much worry (when normally I would) – even when the head of the entire school turned up for the first time in my 18 months there. On a side note, she has either been out of the classroom too long – thus asking stupid questions or just wanted to appear like she could contribute. Either way, she displayed some qualities in that meeting that I am not a fan of. I have also given feedback to my head that I might not have in the past – in fear of him cracking the shits….because man, can he crack it. I don’t care anymore Joan if he doesn’t like what I say. As long as I say it from a place of integrity, where the interests of the children are at the centre – then I shall just say it.

Asking for feedback regarding my interview is something I am still not ready for. I have reflected on all my own deficiencies and could give you a handful of why I didn’t get the job – I just don’t want to hear from someone I don’t like too much. I figure you don’t want to read the things I am crap at – and I really don’t want a response from you telling me I am not those things. I shall own them. Work on them. Try to learn from them.

Being honest, I nearly pulled out of the interview, then nearly pulled out after the interview – because I actually thought that I didn’t want to work with these people. Turns out they didn’t want to work with me either. HAhahaha. I should see it as a blessing really. And I think I will…eventually. It just means I am stuck here. Setting personal goals like…driving more, having Eve time

Setting personal goals like…driving more, having Eve time etc etc will have to be my focus. I still do not want to do a masters. I do want to go to church more though. Drive first, church second – need the driving to do the church.

Anyway Joan, I just wanted you to know, that as terrible as last weekend was, that weekend has now finished.

Get your celebrating women thing in! I am going to do this weekend.

Love you Joan.

Eve

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Not one bit of strategy. Not one.

Dear Joan,

I currently have another entry being typed but I have pushed that aside so that I can…vent, cry …or whatever it looks/sounds/feels like in this ever so pretend world of the internet. This is probably the most honest space I have, between you, me (ella) and whatever other person chooses to skim over this letter.

You said you wanted to know what was going on in my life. Well in summary:

  • my school advertised a leadership job externally a week before telling us internally.
  • in 36 hours I got together a full application.
  • 5 days later I interviewed, as did the husband and 2 other internal candidates.
  • a week and a half later I found out I was the loser and my husband wasn’t.

Yep.

Let’s backtrack a little, to the 5 days in between submitting the application and having the interview. The hubby and I discussed a great deal of what if’s. I guess we both thought, it would be me or neither of us. Why? Because I do every damn thing at that school that relates to developing the whole school strategic plan – even shit I hate. I have worked hard. Not to say that he hasn’t, that would be unfair. But I put myself out there – repeatedly. Even he said that the fair and right thing would be for the job to be mine. What’s that? An echo from the past Eve? Something you said ringing in your ear?

I said to him – fair has nothing to do with it

And it does have nothing to do with it. I guess, the better person got the job. I know Joan, the husband will be friggen damn good at it.

HOWEVER

these are the things though, that I find hard:

  • When I did the in-house leadership course last year, my mentor told me, sometimes it comes down to having a penis or not. Sometimes they just want gender balance. AHHHHHH!
  • The husband was happy in the lower primary school. He wanted to be there. I never did and still don’t want to be but now I am stuck. He had direction.
  • I now have no direction. I am totally adrift – more Leonardo Dicaprio rather than Kate Winslet in Titanic.
  • I honestly feel like a big, fat LOSER. Yep. how tragic is that!?
  • That the husband and I always agreed that it isn’t possible for two people to do leadership in teaching – it is far too hard on the family – and now it is me having to take the step back.
  • That he will inevitably keep secrets from me – yes work secrets – but secrets nonetheless and I know he will – he did it twice this year already. Makes me feel second best – that work will come first and me second.
  • That I feel so selfish, and such a cow but I kind of wish he would just say sorry. hahahaha.

Some fucking EXIT strategy hey Joan. Two more years here and for what? I don’t feel like I am getting anything from it. I need the universe to deliver me something fucking awesome to counter balance this one. I’m not sure its pockets go deep enough (this will make more sense once I finish the other blog).

On the flip side, one of the what if’s was around if one of us got it and what travel would we do. We discussed Italy next year in April and the USA at the end of the year. Happy 40th to me! Here we come Rome and Naples. 10,000RM will get us all to Rome and back ($3,500ish aussie). I have never been so keen to rack up credit card debt!

I also thought I wanted to do a Masters. Nope. At least being the loser made that clear for me. Think of all the debt I saved there!

Travel isn’t sufficient enough to ease the two years but I have to cling to something. Maybe it will help this Leonardo Dicaprio climb on the raft instead of letting go!

Love you Joan,

Eve

P.S. I think of your adventure and hope it is providing you with much joy.

 

 

Report Writing Season

Dearest Joan,

I have obviously been absent and will continue to be for a little while.

It is Report Writing Season. It consumes me and my family.

I dislike it muchly.

I do have my next blog cooking away. Time is just needed to execute it.

Love

Eve