Just like her mum

Wednesday 16th December, 2015

Dear Joan,

I wish I could leave this entry empty and you could just read it and understand everything.

I have started disconnecting the utilities, one car is on eBay, the steam cleaner is booked. Jobs are being ticked. At the same time some are unticked – the most prevalent one at the moment – the prospective tenants decided to take a place elsewhere. Not the end of the world – but just an added stress I had in fact thought we had offloaded.

I misjudged the big kid’s emotions.

She is often short with me, rude, purposefully not saying I love you. I decided to talk to her about it yesterday – in a place of calm and love. Talking about how we would be feeling all sorts and that it is ok – that I am too.

Then the tears began.

They didn’t stop and became sobs. Lots of them.

She is sad about goodbyes and missing people. The apple doesn’t fall too far from that tree.

We sat for an hour after bedtime, just hanging out. Everything has been so mental lately that I don’t think she has had a whole lot of quality time with me either.

I find this hard to write about. Makes me feel like I have failed her a little.

The bigger picture – the adventure – the thrill – the different cultures – people – places.

Yep.

Finishing this one feeling a little empty.

Love you Joan,

Eve

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Toot! Toot! An Epiphany!

Wednesday 9th December, 2015

Dearest Joan,

It has been an incredibly long time between writes. I have had so many things run through my head since the last letter. BUT literally, they have ran…in and quickly out. There doesn’t seem to be a huge capacity to hang onto anything at the moment that isn’t Malaysian, packing related or Eastbourne connected.

I so desperately wanted to respond to a blog I had read about a red string of fate – destiny between two people who were always going to meet in a given situation. Talking about the people that have shaped me, wondering about those I have influenced, questioning why fate occurs when it does. Some people have walked into my life this year, profoundly affected me as a human, yet I am leaving. The time that fate has allowed seems too short. Unfair. Testing.

BUT then I think of you AND me. The relationship we had, didn’t have and have now. The intensity, the hiatus, the reconnection. I feel blessed for the time apart. The red string of fate between you and I was never cut. Perhaps we just failed to see it or acknowledge it. The reconnection has been perfect. For some reason we have always had kms between us. The best long distance relationship ever.

ANYWAY this email isn’t about that. It is about where I am at right now, mentally, with the move. What is happening. The epiphany of today.

Toot! Toot! All aboard the CRAZY train!

That is just how I feel. My emotions are absolutely everywhere. Babu (the little kid) received a card and a pressie from her bestie at crèche. It just set me off. It still sets me off. Leaving her friend, her network – Feeling horrible about it is just how it sits in my heart. It is much the same for Borsz (the older kid) but for her, can rationalise it with her a little. I also find myself distancing myself, putting the wall up when I should be embracing every moment with everyone. Be fair dear Eve to yourself….for some people I give the time to, others not.

Joan, it depends on the eyes. If the eyes cannot move beyond sad I don’t spend so much time there. It hurts too much because I feel like I am doing that. I guess why I haven’t pushed a lot of time with my mum. A decision I am annoyed at myself about. Sadness is just hard to be around. Sad eyes harder. I know the sad eyes love me, cherish me, wish I wasn’t going (so too do the non-sad eyes) and it is that I should hang on to.

It all kicked off when I told my neighbour, Lorraine, our moving out date and she cried. It was that very moment that I realised that our decision has had a wider ripple effect than perhaps I ever considered. This too led me to today’s epiphany. Lorraine is an elderly neighbour. No children. A recently passed husband. We have been a part of their lives for the last 2 and half years quite a lot and prior to that just friendly with each other. I just love her Joan. Find myself worrying about her, often however I have been doing this for some time.

Ok, where is this going? Today, I had a chance to be involved with the school Christmas choir, singing in old folks home. I struggled Joan, hugely. All the thoughts, loneliness, the ill health of Lorraine came flooding. I saw it en masse. My heart broke. I always thought that my destiny was to work with refugees at some point. I am not so sure anymore.

When I get back to Oz – one day, with whatever school I end up in – I have decided to set up links with an old folk’s home. I think I want to become like a companion for an older person. To bring friendship, a little joy. I think I want to involve the girls a little. I even started thinking about Christmas day lunches. It is still swirling in my head everywhere. Trying to sort out. It feels good. I don’t think it is a change of career, just an extra to making the world a little kinder, less lonely. Much like your next venture….which I think is so admirable.

In the scheme of jobs to do before leaving our beautiful beach home on the 21st of December we are doing ok. We have had an application on the house, the steam cleaner is booked, friends are coming over on a weekend to pack and move. I need to phone utilities, sell cars, pack more. The husband is sorting cars, has finished the garden, is sorting out his grade sixes for end of year and generally remaining very focused on all the jobs he needs to complete.

The adventure is getting closer!

Sorry about the delay Joan.

Love you loads,

Eve